The last time I sat down to continue composing, I was not alone (as I prefer to be); my partner and my sister were both at home, but the three of us were all consumed by our various activities. I had been feeling nostalgic, and took the opportunity to do some composing. With many thoughts and the accompaniment of feelings drifting through my mind, it was a perfect time to compose. I need nostalgia to access my feelings when I compose because I want my music to be a sound with a story, not just a sound. I am not satisfied with my compositions, otherwise.
The composition I was working on (and still am) is for a friend who passed away three months ago. I began creating this musical story soon after his death; as a way of expressing my feelings about him and his passing. I had already composed two verses of music for him, but had come to a recent standstill. The only reason I can think of, is that the patterns of my student life seem to be overwhelming the rest of what I want to be doing with my time, thus creating some sort of emotional barrier.
I had sat on the edge of the sofa, which isn’t the best seat for harp playing because it is soft and low. When I bought my harp to my shoulder it seemed to tower above me because I was seated so inadequately. But I was comfortable enough. The wood felt warm and smooth; the strings were in tune enough for me to play (I was too lazy to get up and tune them to perfect pitch). I set the harp to the correct key, by lowering or elevating the correct levers o the strings. The key I set up was C major, but this particular composition shifted between the major and minor keys associated with this one. I am a fan of the sound of the juxtaposition of major and minor keys; especially when conveying feeling. I played some chords to ensure that my fingers were going to move swiftly and fluently; the strings quivered and vibrated through the harp, my hands crossed each other. With that visual check out the way, I listened. I have to listen with everything … my body and the vibrations of the notes, do they feel right? My mind, are my thoughts in the sounds? My heart (representing my emotions), are my feelings in the sound? Are they being expressed with the “right” notes, chords, key? I think I have to feel to listen and feel to create, especially because I learn music by ear and not through written form.
Unfortunately, it turned out that I didn’t get much further in developing the composition; I played it repetitively until I could play it with my eyes shut and let my fingers remember the pattern of the story on the strings. Sometimes it helps to compose with my eyes closed, because it allows you to explore the essence of the sound more deeply than you can when you are visually distracted by other things. After half an hour of this, I decided to leave it. I would come back to it; the composition was (and is) ingrained in my memory, I carry this tune in me and will draw it out when it is time to craft the rest of it.
Recently, I played my harp at the ‘Art in the Garden’ festival at Glenfalloch. For the last 5 or 6 years, I have been paid or unpaid to play at many events: weddings, funerals, dinner parties, opening events, art auctions and private functions and so on. This performance was seemingly no different to the others … I played the same pieces as I always do (apart from the ones I haven’t practiced enough and have forgotten bits of!) and as always, without a doubt, the harp playing bought about lots of comments from passersby. I had a lady kiss me on the head because she thought the playing was so wonderful, I had another lady ask if I had a CD, another person ask if I’d give lessons …
But here is why this performance was different: it really made me reflect on why I play… the comments I got that day made me think of my history as a harpist/composer and how every single time I have played … no one has said a ‘bad’ thing about me or my playing, even when I used to get sickening stage-fright (sometimes to the point of cutting some strings so I wouldn’t have to play!), when my hands would get clammy, my body would shake with nerves and I’d make (what I considered) was lots of mistakes. Every comment has been said with a genuine smile and a remark of awe, delight or gratitude.
You see, I don’t consider myself a ‘pro’ at playing the harp at all, I know several key songs and compose when I have the spare time, or try and learn a new tune here and there … nothing ‘amazing’, which is why I don’t advertise myself professionally. I don’t see myself has a professional; I just enjoy playing. Yet, people who have watched and listened to me surprise me with they what they say … could it be that the comments from others help to instill in me a need for self-satisfaction and content? Could these comments be small reminders to myself that I am good at something, even when I feel I am not? Could the need being met through this activity, simply be that I always used to need praise and approval from others? What better way to meet those needs by engaging in something that no one ever says disapproving or negative comments about.
When I used to work at Larnach Castle, I’d sit on a stage in the ballroom and play to hundreds of tourists from the cruise ships; people took photos of me, with me, tried to tip me (if they were American), one man wanted to take me back to England with him and gave me his address to visit him the next time I went over (I never did visit, by the way), staff and strangers would tell me how beautiful it was. These remarks filled me with a sense of self-worth and pleasure.
Another time, I was playing for a charity event at Farmers and a couple asked me if I could play at their wedding reception! I was shocked! I couldn’t believe that they liked what they heard enough to want me to play for them!
Other times, at home, I used to play to friends and family after a dinner party or play while the neighbors came over for a cup of tea, or to Mum if she wasn’t too well and wanted some company. I watched people enjoy music that I had created or that I was playing; my gift to them, and in return I got a ‘thank you’ a ‘well done’ a ‘you clever girl’ a ‘beautiful’ etc
These memories and these experiences combined with the content of this course really tap into the intrinsic motivation of engaging in activity. As a budding occupational therapist activity is our primary way of addressing any and every health issue. We are concerned with the ‘fit’ between person, their environment and the activities they need and want to do (ergonomics). We are concerned with what comes about when there is a ‘fit’ (affordances). And the most important lesson I think I’ll take from this course, is that we are concerned with meeting ‘needs’ (from a superficial level, right down to deeper levels). What motivates someone to do something? What need will be met if they engage in this or that? How does the activity reveal a deeper meaning to what, why and how a person does something? What would happen if that activity was compromised, restricted or taken away from that person?
The simple task of bringing in the washing meets several needs on several different levels. My simple task of composing a tune is seemingly because I enjoy it, others enjoy it, it’s relaxing. But it goes far deeper than that … if you unpack those reasons right down to the core, you realize just how complex simplicity can get.
“I enjoy it” – why do I enjoy it? I enjoy it because the harp is an unusual instrument to play, therefore the playing gets me (easy) recognition and praise, which makes me feel like I am a capable human being (something I am very good at forgetting). Composing is one of the few activities I feel truly competent in, and this provides me with a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction in regards to my own abilities. As a creative person, I also need time to explore my creativity and self-expression.
“Others enjoy it” – (revelation!) the fact that other people enjoy what they hear when I play used to be, in reflection, the biggest factor as to why I kept on harping. Playing and composing on my harp got me consistent positive praise and approval, even if I knew I hadn’t played well. This constant source or praise and approval provided me with a way of giving myself a sense of self-confidence and competency, playing a big part in establishing my self-concept for a long, long time.
“It’s relaxing” – is all about my habits, routines and the many aspects of life I engage in. Currently, and predominantly, my life circulates around being a ‘student’. This life is often overwhelming, financially-constraining, stressful, tiring and fast. So, finding an ounce of time to sit back and bring my harp to my shoulder and just let life slow down a little is essential (for my health and well-being!).
There are my needs.
Wow, tear! Imagine what it must be like to be deaf. To never be able to hear. I have heard you play and evrything you mentioned here is right. Im not sure if you realise but when you play you look relaxed even though you are so engrossed in your music. Its amazing how by exploring your sense of sound you can tell so many stories of which only you know the meaning. Is this your way of communicating your inner self to the variety of people who are so keen to listen? to communicate those thoughts and feelings that are sometimes just too hard to speak?
ReplyDeleteLauren, I just loved this story that combines both the past and present =) I'm glad you are still working on friend's composition, I remember you playing it at my house during placement it was amazing. You may not realise this but when you play there is peacefulness in you and you can see thorough enjoyment in your face and body. Music really becomes you and the love you have for music is what I think draws people to you when you play =)
ReplyDeleteWow Lauren this was written beautifully. I was privileged enough to hear you play last year so it was great being able to picture the sound! I know we are meant to make a comment about something for you to improve on but I really cant think of anything!!!!!!!!!!!! Great work bud!
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